I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
