so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
