God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
