Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
