The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
