I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
