T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize