so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
