Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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