My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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