My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
