i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
