I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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