You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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