this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i drank out of a bidet.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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