I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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