mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
