The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
