No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
