it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
