my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
