i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
