I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
