got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
