i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
