peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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