does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
