apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
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