Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
