his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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