All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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