dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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