So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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