did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
