fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
