I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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