Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
