every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
