I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
