So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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