Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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