omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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