she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
