you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
