You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
where does the pee come out of this thing
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I party with great urgency now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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