It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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