just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.