remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
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Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.