Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
