I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
