I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You are a genius and a whore.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
