hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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