I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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