Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
