I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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