Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
