i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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