I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
