dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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